NFL Soup|Tuesday, May 21, 2013

2012 NFL QB Power Rankings: Week 15 Christmas Wish List Edition 

All the quarterbacks make a Christmas wish in week 15.

Dear Santa,

We at NFL Soup have been very good this year. Okay, we’ve been naughty, but not as naughty as those evil hackers who keep critical football information from the smartest fans in the game.

We know you get lots of mail this time of year, so instead of getting letters from all the NFL QBs about what they want for Christmas, we thought it would be easier if we asked them what they wanted. We’re like that – not only do we think globally and act locally – we wanted to make the season just a bit easier on you.

And, let us just say, it’s no joy having Ben Roethilsberger on your knee. But at least your interns were safe this year.

Here they are, in order of our season-to-date rankings in case you need to make a tough fantasy decision this weekend.

NFL Soup

1. Tom Brady – New England

A bigger mantel over his fireplace; he might have a couple of new trophies soon.

2. Aaron Rodgers – Green Bay

For LeBron James’ barber to give him one final, definitive shave. If he’s tired of the porn stache one week, the Willie Nelson the next week, followed by the Justin Bieber clean cheeks look, we’re all a bit fed up. And he can make another commercial while he’s there.

3. Peyton Manning – Denver

To elevate Denver another half-mile because he doesn’t already enjoy every single advantage.

4. Robert Griffin III – Washington

Some sort of guide to Obamacare. Suddenly he needs to know what’s covered and exactly how you define “a pre-existing condition.”

5. Drew Brees – New Orleans

He has two requests. 1. New glasses; he’s having trouble seeing free safeties; 2. A masseuse, because he’s getting sore from trying to carry the team on his back.

6. Matt Ryan – Atlanta

Calendars for all his teammates, except January and February are replaced by September and October, so they might string together a few wins at the start of the calendar year for once.

7. Cam Newton – Panthers

Cancel his Running Back of the Week membership for a player who’s at least as good as he is rushing the ball.

8. Andy Dalton – Bengals

A move to the AFC East. If the Jets are in playoff contention, they might have wrapped up a berth by now.

9. Josh Freeman – Buccaneers

A megaphone, his own network and a skywriting airplane – someone’s gotta tell the world he’s a top 10 quarterback.

10. Matthew Stafford – Lions

A one-way ticket for Verlander to another city. Dude’s taken every single billboard in Detroit.

11. Andrew Luck – Colts

To beat the Broncos in the playoffs. Pretty please.

12. Ben Roethlisberger – Steelers

A new locker room, way on the other side of the stadium, for the cheerleaders. Being married is hard enough.

13. Carson Palmer – Raiders

Brett Favre’s arm. He could use both the years and the yards now.

14. Matt Schaub – Texans

A stronger cup. That shit hurt.

15. Eli Manning – Giants

Another ring. Against Peyton. And plenty of family reunions next year.

16. Russell Wilson – Seahawks

That dude from “What Not to Wear” to outfit him in the best grunge wardrobe; looks like he’ll be staying a while.

17. Colin Kaepernick – 49ers

A “Suck It, Smith” tattoo for his kaeperdick.

18. Tony Romo – Cowboys

The entire collection of Tony Robbins DVDs, so he can slay his demons – in private.

19. Joe Flacco – Ravens

To borrow Romo’s CDs when he’s done with them.

20. Ryan Fitzpatrick – Bills

For the NFL to be as easy as the SAT.

21. Phillip Rivers – Chargers

Could he please have that Giants/Chargers trade reversed?

22. Jay Cutler – Bears

One more Brandon Marshall, please. Please note, this dude is from a town named Santa Claus, IN. That’s gotta count for something.

23. Sam Bradford – Rams

To finally make his mom’s fantasy team.

24. Nick Foles – Eagles

For Mike Vick to get involved in cockfighting. Just in case he has a bad game.

25. Chad Henne – Jaguars

Three more Justin Blackmon’s in this year’s draft please.

26. Brandon Weeden – Browns

A time machine. He could use those 5 years back.

27. Christian Ponder – Vikings

Whatever it takes to get Percy Harvin 100 percent by Week 1, no questions asked.

28. Mark Sanchez – Jets

You know those gloves with those grippy things on them? Yeah, a bunch of those.

29. Ryan Tannehill – Dolphins

That the post-game shower at the stadium feels as good as the post-coital shower at home.

30. Jake Locker – Titans

To even have a locker next season.

31. Brady Quinn – Chiefs

To spread rumors about strained tendons in Matt Barkley’s throwing shoulder.

32. John Skelton – Cardinals

To convince Matthew Berry to co-own a fantasy team with him, so he gets to play 13 weeks in a row AND compile a winning record.

About the author: Thomas J. McFeeley

Thomas J. McFeeley is a former award-winning journalist and a current Jets fan. He is a Jets fan because his dad was a (typically dispassionate) Giants fan. He is a fantasy football junkie because he is a Jets fan and wanted to experience meaningful games in October.

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